


operation: mandy's gone

by peeves



Series: mending [1]
Category: Shameless (US)
Genre: 5x03, Rape Mention TW, slurs tw
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-22
Updated: 2015-02-22
Packaged: 2018-03-14 11:43:35
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,026
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3409331
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/peeves/pseuds/peeves
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>tribute to mandy milkovich, and to the goodbyes she never had. alternate ending to 5x03</p>
            </blockquote>





	operation: mandy's gone

Ian watched his brothers carry out, as Carl put it, “Operation: Dykes Begone”. Carl drummed his fingers against his wheelchair, grinning at Lip digging at the ground. God, wheelchairs were fucking great. 

Ian leaned against the pole, jutting his chin out. “Mandy’s moving to Indiana. With Kenyatta.” He watched for Lip’s reaction. 

Lip barely paused his task for a moment before continuing and asking, “Why?” 

“Some shitty job.” 

“Well he’s gonna fucking kill her, why’s she going?” Lip’s hands slipped but he regained control and continued to hit the dirt, a bit more forcefully than before. 

“She’s a hood girl, she thinks she’s a piece of shit,” Ian spit out the last word, hating the way the phrase sounded and hating that Mandy truly believed it. Hating her abusive piece of shit boyfriend for telling her to believe it. Hating himself for letting her believe it. 

“Well did you try to talk her out of it?” Lip wiped the back of his hand against his brow. Ian crossed his arms, and Lip could swear he saw Ian’s chin tilt a degree higher. Ian and that goddamn chin. 

“She won’t listen to me. Says there’s nothing here for her.” _I’m here_ , Ian thought to himself. _I know I’m not always enough but I’m here._

Lip finally stopped digging and straightened up. “I don’t get it. She doesn’t need that fucking goon, man; she’s a great fucking girl. She can get any guy she wants.” 

_That’s not the point,_ Ian thought. _She wanted you. You pushed her away._ Ian shrugged off the slight resentment he had for his brother for treating his best friend like shit. He stood up, stepping off the curb to leave. 

“Tell her that, alright?” 

“Yeah, I’ll talk to her.” Lip watched his brother walk away. He _would_ talk to her. He’d make her stay. 

\--

He grasped her hips and pulled her close, feeling the smooth skin of her stomach against his. Mandy reached up into the familiarity of kissing him, kissing her ex-boyfriend and falling into routine. His hand moved upwards, catching her face and dragging a thumb along her jawline. 

“Wait, wait, wait,” he whispered and pulled away, keeping her head in his hands. “Wait,” he repeated, looking into her eyes. “You are gorgeous. Okay?” His already increased heart rate at the promise of sex skyrocketed as he tried to calm his shaking hands. He held on to her tighter, and she grounded him like she always did. Mandy swallowed, staring back at him. He never told her that, not even when they were together. 

“You are sweet,” he breathed out. “And you are funny.” The corner of her mouth tipped up as she looked down nervously, eyelashes sweeping her cheeks. She tried to pull away, wanting to hear more while instinctively rejecting the praise, but he held her in place. 

“You’re very smart. You know that, right?” She had to know that. He had to make sure she knew that. If she knew that she could be something, anything, she would stay. 

“Shut up,” Mandy laughed, blushing and conflicted because she didn’t want him to shut up. She never did. Why was he telling her this? 

“Hey, hey. I mean it, okay? You’re a good person, Mandy,” he insisted, as if staring at her harder would communicate his sincerity, as if his words could make her stay. 

“Thanks,” she whispered back so quietly that he could barely hear, no longer laughing, and soon he was distracted by her lips reaching towards his and he let her kiss the stress away. What he didn’t know was that she was terrified, that laughing his words away was her defense, and by no longer laughing, she was accepting what he was trying to say. She didn’t believe him but she believed that he thought that way, and that was enough to crack her defense. She kissed him harder, feeling her walls crumble down, feeling herself falling apart and falling for him all over again. 

Until she began to pull away, pushing him away. “Wait, wait,” she insisted, sitting on the edge of her bed. She needed space, she needed to reconsider, she needed reassurance that she wasn’t falling into an empty void. 

“What?” Lip asked, breathing heavily. 

“What is this?” 

“What is what?” 

“This. Us.”

Us. There hadn’t been an “us” for so long and yet they both knew it was still there. Something was still there, something that made Lip come back time after time, that made Mandy let him. 

“Well,” Lip responded, moving towards her again. “We are two people who like each other’s bodies…” She leaned back as he pulled her underwear down her legs. “…and we’re very good at sex.” 

_That’s not good enough._ “Uhuh. And what about your girlfriend?” 

“What about her? She’s in Florida.” 

“And then?” That’s when Lip realized Mandy wasn’t going to let this go, that he gave too much and now she was asking for more. He crawled over her and she lay down, opening her legs so he could settle between them. He could give her this, he thought. He could give her this but nothing more. 

“And then I have no idea, okay? I mean I don’t know.” He put on the condom as Mandy watched him expectantly. 

“Are you going to visit her?” 

“In Miami? I mean who knows?” And finally, finally, Lip pushed in and Mandy gave up the line of questioning. She let herself fall again and she gasped, arching her back. He moved in and over her, face turning red from the exertion. 

He was never going to give her a straight answer. He was never going to be hers again, and she knew it. It was something she had to relearn over and over again, and god she was tired. She grappled with the tiny, irrational hope she had that the one boy she had a chance with, that didn’t hit her, that didn’t abuse her, would love her. She knew it was impossible. She knew, she knew, she knew, she knew. She told herself she knew. 

She placed her hand on his neck, the way he did to her when he was saying those things. He meant those things, right? And he said those things because he loved her, right? 

This would be her last attempt. Last attempt, no more. 

“I love you.” 

He stilled, and she waited. Waited for him to say something, anything, and that’s when he realized that he was right about one thing: his words _could_ make her stay. But he couldn’t give her that. He brushed his hand over her hair, moving down her neck to avoid her electrifying gaze, not wanting to watch the realization that he wasn’t going to say it back sink in. Ignoring the rare, beautiful vulnerability, and pretending he didn’t see the tear roll down her cheek. Pretending her gasps didn’t sound like she was crying. 

_I’m sorry_ , he thought with each thrust. _I’m so sorry._

\--

Ian had walked away from his brother, unsure of Lip’s guarantee. It’s not that he didn’t trust his brother would try, just that he had a feeling (and firsthand experience) that Lip wasn’t as convincing as he thought he was. He had decided to give Lip the entire day, and then he’d try to talk to Mandy again at night. He found her sitting on her bed with her arms around her legs. Scanning the room, he could tell that she had already packed both her and Kenyatta's things. 

“Lip talk to you?” he asked, sitting down next to her. 

Mandy grinned in that twisted, endearing way of hers, tucking her hair behind her ear. “Yeah,” she replied, sticking her tongue out and wagging it in a way that reminded Ian of Mickey. Damn Milkoviches and their tongues. “You could call it talking.” If she joked about it, it wouldn’t hurt. But if there was anyone she didn’t have to pretend around, it was Ian. 

“Gross,” Ian grimaced, but noticed when her face fell. “Hey.” He reached for her and she folded herself into his arms. She sighed.

“You really are my best friend, you know?” Ian murmured into her hair. He rocked them back and forth, wanting to relieve whatever pain it was that she felt. 

_I love you_ , she wanted to say to him. But she couldn’t stand not hearing it back a second time that night. Even she thought she deserved better. 

_My knight in shining armor._ God had she wished that Ian wasn’t gay, but it was better this way, she figured. The men in her life that she didn’t fuck tended to stick around longer. Not that it mattered at this point, because she was leaving the next morning. She was leaving this godforsaken house and this city. 

“Please don’t leave,” Ian whispered softly, arms tightening around her. She closed her eyes and leaned back, longing for what, she didn’t know, but something. 

“I can’t stay,” she replied. She moved back a little so she could make eye contact. “I have to go.” 

Ian huffed and loosened his hold. “With Kenyatta?” 

“God, no,” she laughed, elbowing at his side. He straightened up, surprised and relieved. It wasn’t until the stress started to leave his body that he realized how fucking uptight he had been all day, pacing back and forth and driving Mickey crazy. When Mickey was also driving him crazy, acting like he’d be fine if his sister left. Yeah fucking right.

“You’re not leaving with Kenyatta?” he prompted. 

“I mean, I thought about it,” she shrugged, smiling Ian’s favorite one-sided smile. It was something unique to her, as if the whole world was intent on dragging her down but she was strong enough to keep moving forward. And she was, to Ian, one of the strongest people he ever knew. 

“I thought about leaving with him, but…life’s too fucking short, you know?” She chanced a glance at Ian’s reaction. 

“But you’re still leaving?” 

Mandy moved around so she was sitting cross-legged, facing Ian. “Yeah.” She waited for him to interrupt, but also knew he wouldn’t, and that was one of the things she loved about him. Probably one of the things Mickey loved about him too, because no one else wanted to listen to Mickey’s old-man rants except for Ian, who’d just grin at him like the sun shined out of his ass. Which, to Ian, it probably did. 

Ian didn’t interrupt, just looked at Mandy with his big eyes, letting her know with his silence that he wanted her to continue. She took a deep breath, and began to explain. 

“Yeah, I’m still leaving. I’ve been here all my life, you know, and…it’s just time for me to go. There’s too much here that I need to leave behind. That I want to leave behind.” 

Ian knew instantly what she was referring to. Life was always rough in the South Side, but Mandy had it especially hard. She experienced constant sexual harassment even before she hit puberty, only to face abuse, over and over and over again, by her peers, by authority figures, by her family. Hell, that was only the shit he had witnessed himself. Who even knew what else she had gone through, but not shared? He glanced at the bed they were sitting on and knew that this was very likely the location that Terry had mistaken Mandy for her mom, more than once. And even though he hated that she wanted to go when he just came back not too long ago, when he finally got better—she was perfect to him, never pushing him too hard, always patient, never trying to get him to face what he thought, no, what he _knew_ was a one time thing—he was hit with an overwhelming sense of gratitude and pride for his best friend. It wasn't about him, he realized. It was about her, and her future. It took an alarming amount of strength to stay, and even more to leave. 

He was so proud, and it showed on his face, his stifled smile that spread when she elbowed him again. “Shut up!” She punched his stomach. 

“OW! I didn’t say anything!” 

She crossed her arms, trying to keep a straight face, but failed miserably and threw her arms around Ian. _My knight in shining armor._ Laughing, Ian held her close again, and said next to her ear, “I’m so proud of you. You’re amazing.” 

She held on tighter, wanting to shake her head but she stopped herself, and nodded. Head buried in the security that was the space underneath Ian’s chin, she nodded. 

Something crashed outside, and Ian and Mandy jumped apart, startled by the noise. The crashing noise sounded again, this time followed by a dull thud, and a familiar “Fuck!” Ian scrambled to his feet and ran outside, and Mandy snorted at his eagerness to see her brother. She followed him to the front of the house, and saw a slightly intoxicated Mickey trying to trash Kenyatta’s car. 

“Mickey, what the fuck?” she yelled, laughing as Ian tried to restrain his boyfriend from breaking the other front window with a crowbar. 

“Stop! Mick, stop!” 

“Can’t fuckin’ leave if you got no fuckin’ car!” Mickey shouted, pushing Ian away and throwing himself against the car again. Ian reached out to lock his arms around Mickey’s torso, and laughed because Mickey’s arms were too short to reach the car from where Ian held on to him. Not that that stopped Mickey from trying. 

“CAN’T FUCKIN’ LEAVE IF YOU GOT NO FUCKIN’ CAR!” he yelled, lunging for the car window.

“Oh for fuck’s sake, Mickey, come the fuck on!” 

“Why aren’t you helping me, man?” Mickey sniffed, throwing the crowbar half-heartedly. Mandy was doubled over from laughing so hard, and Ian sighed exasperatedly. 

“Mandy, a little help here, maybe?” 

Mickey slumped against Ian, defeated, as Mandy hopped off the stairs and grabbed her favorite brother from her best friend. Milkoviches didn’t often show affection, but given the circumstances, she allowed it. 

“Don’t know why you gotta leave,” Mickey muttered as Mandy wrapped herself around him. Ian grinned at his boyfriend and best friend. _These two idiots are my favorite idiots in the whole wide world,_ he thought to himself. 

“I’m gonna…uh, I’m gonna get something to drink,” Ian excused himself and headed back into the Milkovich house, giving Mickey and Mandy time to talk. 

Mandy pulled away and sat down on the curb, patting the spot next to her. Mickey grudgingly sat down, grumbling. 

“I’m not leaving with Kenyatta, Mickey,” she said. Frowning, he looked at Mandy out the corner of his eye, and lifted one eyebrow in question. 

“I need to get out of here. This place…doesn’t make sense for me to stay. You’ve got things covered now. You got a whole team of Gallaghers if Ian needs help, Svetlana’s raking in some good money, Yev’s doin’ alright… I feel okay about leaving, you know?” She paused, waiting for a reaction she knew she wasn’t going to get. 

“I need to take care of myself now. Don’t really got a plan yet, but I have some cash saved up from the restaurant, and I’ll figure it out. Shit, there can’t be a place worse than this, right?” After a long moment of silence, Mickey finally spoke.

“S’not too bad,” he grumbled, but Mandy knew she convinced him. 

“I need his car to leave, eh?” she nudged her shoulder against his. Mickey finally cracked a grin. 

“You’re going to leave that fucker here with us?” 

“Nah, I’ve packed all his stuff too. Figure I can sell it on the road. So he’ll be left with nothing but a house filled with people who are just going to kick him out.” 

“Damn right,” Mickey muttered, and shifted a little so he was kind of facing his sister, and moved in for a titty-twister. 

“ASSHOLE!” Mandy slapped Mickey’s hands away but laughed with him, relieved to see a sort of acceptance and blessing from her brother. She leaned against him, looking backwards at the house to see Ian smiling from the window, then back at Mickey, who had reluctantly intertwined his fingers with hers. Mickey Milkovich, holding hands with his sister. God, what a sight to see. Ian had really done wonders on him. 

“Guess we’ll be okay,” Mickey said, staring at their interlocked hands. He’d never admit it to anyone, not even Ian, but he’d miss her. She was the only one that knew exactly what it was like to grow up under that sort of constant fear. They weren’t always there for each other, but they got through hell together, and if that didn’t mean something then shit, Mickey didn’t know what did. Mandy was the only kind of love he ever knew until he met Ian. And Mickey knew that she was one of the good ones. She looked out for him, looked out for Ian, even looked out for Lip, and Debbie. It was about time she looked out for herself too. 

“Yeah,” Mandy agreed. _We will be._

\--

Under the L, Lip checked his phone for the third time, and sent off a second text.  


**/Hey been waiting outside, you there?/**

“Fuck you doin’ out here?” Ian’s voice came out of nowhere. 

“Jesus, fuck, you scared me!” 

“She left. About an hour ago,” Ian said, holding a glass of milk in one hand and a jug of milk in another. 

Oh, fuck. Lip felt something drop in his stomach. “Shit, I…I tried.” 

Ian shrugged, seemingly unbothered by Mandy’s absence. “Yeah I’m sure you did,” he replied, and walked away. 

\--  


**/Hey been waiting outside, you there?/**

The text lit the screen of her phone, and she glanced at her phone in the seat next to her. Without stopping the car, she picked up the phone, and tossed it into the backseat. Thanks to Mickey's great skill, her window was broken. Feeling the wind whistle through the broken glass and whip through her hair, she smiled. She smiled, she laughed, she breathed. She was free.

**Author's Note:**

> please, please leave feedback! any/all would be appreciated. (ianschin.tumblr.com) did i give myself a shout out in my own fic? maybe. yes. yes i did.


End file.
